I attended a webinar last night – the subject had me intrigued – and I thought it would be an interesting way to spend a Sunday night.
I still sometimes struggle a bit with Sunday night’s, reminiscent of “going back to school” (some 35 years on) and the subconscious feelings of rejection and abandonment, and of not feeling good enough to stay at home with my mum. Consciously none of that makes sense as it was a path carved out for me by generation after generation of my family, but nonetheless every Sunday night from the age of 11 brought a sinking feeling of separation.
So, I try to do something fun on a Sunday night by means of continuing to retrain my brain that Sunday is just the same as any other day now and I am safe and cannot be rejected or abandoned.
Back to the webinar…. Sadly, only one sentence from that webinar sticks in my mind.
"If you feel shame, just stop it, it’s wrong."
And just with that, a gut-punch.
Shame is something we can feel from the age of 15 months, something deeply connected to our sense of self-worth, something deeply internalised. Often it has emerged as a result of bullying, abuse, unrealistic expectations on you ….
We did not choose to feel like this and it is not a switch that you just flick on and off.
If you feel you are unloveable, unacceptable as you are, less good than the next person and then someone tells you to just stop it …. But you can’t …. The feeling is still there….. Guess what happens next …. You feel MORE shame.
You feel you must be REALLY flawed, less than etc. if someone running a webinar tells you to stop but you can’t…..
What is true, is that you CAN heal from shame, heal those abandonment wounds, you really can start living a life where shame does not pervade your every thought, action and belief.
You can break the cycle of shame – people pleasing – perfectionism – perform – prove - shame.
You can regain your authenticity, you can own your own power, you can let go of resentment and forgive … but it takes time, deep inner work and probably a guide/coach/therapist to hold you on that journey.
You don’t just switch it off – you heal. And healing is beautiful, empowering, uplifting, and life-changing.
